Turnips
by Rosewood of Brazil
Summary: Twoshot, very random. Inspired by The Plot Thinnens and her inability to read IM messages :P The Doctor gets injured by Turnips. PS: Did you know turnips are evil? They held my plot bunnies hostage
1. A Madman Yank and Frozen Food

**Don't ask why I wrote this. Seriously, you'll just be mentally scarred for life. Dedicated to The Plot Thinnens, who's momentary lack of concentration in reading an IM inspired this oneshot : D There's also a certain dulcet toned, Welsh person in there who I hope you appreciate me writing in : D **

**Post Doomsday although it obviously had an alternate ending. Sorry, but Russel T. Davies . . . watch your back ¬¬ I will never forgive you for that episode.**

Even though you made up for it by writing all those other incredible plots, but still – you made me bawl for hours on end!

**DID ANYONE SEE THE DOCTOR SAVE LONDON WITH A JAMMY DODGER YESTERDAY??? Favourite moment ****ever****.**

**Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Ears: *****chomps* yum . . . Roundtree's Randoms . . . Up there with the Master's jelly babies on the 'build a shrine to it' scale. Yeah, anyway, Doctor Who isn't mine, but using the tenner I have in my pocket, several packs of Randoms will be**

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"Ow!!" the Doctor exclaimed, pulling away from his sniggering blonde companion who was brandishing a roll of bandages.

"Don't be such a baby," Rose giggled, her hands shaking with laughter as she attempted to bandage a bony, swollen wrist.

"Excuse me! I think _you're_ the baby here, seeing as I'm over nine hundred years old which is more than thirty times your pathetic twenty and a bit."

"Very mature."

"And stop laughing at me!"

"Sorry, but have you seen your reflection?"

Rose's gangly cohort leapt to his feet and bounded over to the TARDIS console, looking in the dormant, black screen of the monitor that was usually bursting with an array of symbols that meant absolutely nothing to Rose. The Doctor wiped away a clump of sinister purple and green goo from his hair and stared at his oddly coloured face. "Oh."

"Yes, _oh! _You see? _This_ is what you get when you're stupid enough to try and beat the galaxy record for the biggest turnip pie and you try and bake it INSIDE THE TARDIS." Rose shouted, half laughing as she picked some of the disgusting mush out of her hair.

"Weeell, it's not that bad," the Doctor said nonchalantly, wiping some of the mush from his slightly stubble covered cheek. "It might make a good face pack," he grinned, lobbing a handful of the vegetable at his friend.

"Don't you dare!" Rose exclaimed as the ball of mush hit her square in the face.

"What's that? Are you daring me Rose?" the Doctor laughed, a playful glint lingering in his eye as he began to pace towards her, another ball of mush brandished in his hand.

"NO."

"Really? Are you sure? Are you—WAGH!" the Doctor exclaimed, falling backwards as his well worn converses stepped in a pile of unfortunately placed turnip goo. The Doctor landed heavily on his bony behind, his lanky legs splayed as he attempted to get up from his seat in the mush.

Rose clutched her stomach and held onto to the side of the TARDIS control panel laughing raucously, a wide smile on her lightly tanned face from their recent escapades on the Polonatian Mountains of Klar. "Sorry!" she chuckled. "It's just . . .pfffft!"

The Doctor shot her a look and hauled himself upright, cradling his injured wrist. "Ow," he muttered, limping back to the air cushioned seats. Rose tentatively walked across the slippery floor and sat down next the Doctor.

"Are you alright?" Rose asked, instantly sobering as she noticed the pain contorted across her handsome friend's face.

"Gah. Yes, it's just my wrist," the Doctor said, carefully studying the swollen joint.

"Let's see," Rose murmured, gently taking the Doctor's hand in her own. "Oh my God! That's disgusting!" she exclaimed as the joint moved awkwardly, sliding sideways – slightly out of the place it should be in. "I'm no doctor but even I can tell that's broken. Doctor, you need to go to the hospital."

"No! All they'll do is send me back with painkillers and besides!" he said, leaping to his feet. "I have an entire medical facility in the TARDIS! All I need is someone to work it the trans-spatial multi-dimensional bone polyfiller machine, which –" the Doctor caught sight of Rose's bemused face. "—you can't do. Ah."

"Maybe we could go to Torchwood, they'll probably fix you up," Rose suggested casually.

"NO. Absolutely not, I am not letting that madman Yank anywhere NEAR my TARDIS!" the Doctor exclaimed, bringing his good hand slamming down on the side of the TARDIS console. It replied with an odd whirring. "Sorry girl," the Doctor muttered.

Rose rolled her eyes. "Doctor." She said meaningfully, giving him _that_ look. The Doctor stared back for a moment, chocolate eyes versus almond eyes. The almond won.

The Doctor sighed heavily. "Fine, but I'll warn you now; I've only got one hand so you're in for a bumpy ride."

"It's always a bumpy ride," Rose grinned.

_5 minutes later . . ._

Rose lay flat on her back in the turnip mush, staring at the golden ceiling of the TARDIS. "Ow." She said flatly.

"Told you it would be bumpy," the Doctor said, grabbing his coat. "Uh, Rose?"

"Yeah?"

"Little help?" he asked, holding the arm of his coat up pathetically.

"Come here," Rose said fondly, gingerly helping the Doctor on with his jacket.

"Ow. Ow. Owowowowow!" the Doctor complained childishly. Rose simply rolled her eyes.

"Right then. Cardiff. Let's go! Allons-y!" Rose grinned, skipping out of the battered blue doors.

Oi! That's my line!" the Doctor grumbled, following his bright eyed companion. The two time travellers briskly crossed the Roald Dhal Plass in search of a certain Tourist Information Office. "Do you know what I want right now?" the Doctor said abruptly, thrusting his good hand into his pocket nonchalantly.

"What?" Rose asked suspiciously, eyeing her gangly friend.

"Custard!" the Doctor exclaimed, jumping on the spot gleefully. "Don't you just want a massive bowl of steaming custard? Ooh . . . banana custard, that would be even better!" he said, his eyes shining.

Rose considered asking the Time Lord if a turnip hit him on his knowledgeable head but then again . . . maybe not.

"DOCTOR!!!" a joyful voice cried across the plaza.

"Hm?" the Doctor said distantly, turning around just as a well built figure in a trench coat came hurtling into him.

"Doctor!" Jack cried out, crushing the Time Lord in an almighty bear hug.

"Gah! Gerroff me!" the Doctor cried out, pushing the American away from him.

"Haha!!" Jack laughed delightedly, picking Rose up. "Rose Tyler! I thought you were dead!"

"I will be soon if you don't stop crushing my ribs!" Rose gasped, trying to unhinge Jack's hands from her waist.

"Oh. Sorry," Jack said sheepishly, letting the petite blonde escape from his grip. "Where is it? _Where_ is the TARDIS?" he said, frenetically looking from left to right over and over again like some crazed cartoon.

"It's in for repairs," the Doctor said briskly. "Now, I've got a favour to ask you."

Jack sighed. "This can't be good."

The Doctor held up his wrist pathetically. "Rose can't work the medical equipment in the TARDIS. Can you help?"

"Ew, that's, that's . . . a really disgusting break, what the hell did you do to it?" Jack exclaimed, moving away from the flopping joint.

"Turnips." Rose said abruptly. Jack looked at her, bemused.

"Riiight," he said incredulously. "Not to worry, I've got a doctor working for me in the hub," Jack said, still looking oddly at the wrist – it was that disgusting that it was its own entity.

"You've got a doctor? Not as brilliant as me I hope."

"Well . . ." Jack grinned at Rose.

"Oi!"

_In the Hub_

"Ow!" the Doctor flinched as Owen prodded and poked his wrist roughly.

"Hold still," Owen muttered, reaching blindly to his tray of tools and gadgets. "I said hold still!"

Rose stood on the balcony overlooking Owen's work station. "He's a bit of alright, isn't he?" a soft Welsh voice said from behind her. Rose smiled at Gwen warmly.

"Yeah, 'suppose he is," she said casually, scratching the side of her ear.

"You _suppose_ he is? He's flamin' gorgeous! Bit on the skinny side mind, but still—" Gwen shook her head disbelievingly, her black hair flopping on her shoulders. "—absolutely bloody fit."

Rose giggled quietly.

"Isn't he just?" an airy voice said from behind the tittering pair. Rose and Gwen looked at Tosh expectantly. "You're talking about—"

"The Doctor? Yes," Gwen interrupted.

"Oh. Oh right," Tosh said, blushing furiously.

"Why, who else would you be talking about?" Rose asked curiously.

"Oh, no-one," Tosh said quickly, burying her head in a bulging file.

"She's talking about Owen," a booming voice said from across the hub.

"No I'm not," Tosh said quietly, swiftly leaving the vicinity of the Owen who was looking up at the balcony curiously.

"Yes she is," Gwen whispered, smiling knowingly.

"OW!!!!" an almighty cry came from below Rose and Gwen. The Doctor clutched his wrist as Owen set down an impressive metal device.

"There we go," Owen said, clapping his hands together. "Good as new almost. That osteo-calcitus manipulator fused your wrist back together. Might experience a bit of swelling for a few days but this will keep it down." Owen threw a frozen vegetable packet at the Doctor. The Doctor gingerly looked at the packet.

"Turnips? Seriously?"

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**Right then, apologies for the decline in quality towards the end – it's 0300 GMT 18/04/10 and . . . yeah, I'm shattered. Hope you enjoyed my ramblings =)**


	2. Giant Food Processors and Lucozade Shots

**Hii, just thought I'd add a little prequel chapter since it's been bugging me all day =) enjoy!**

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"Run!" the Doctor yelled at his shocked companion, grabbing her by the hand and yanking her immobile body from the spot she was standing on. The two time travellers hurtled down the aisles of giant metal containers in the warehouse, their feet pounding on the concrete as a mass of armour adorned guards pursued them, each armed with a small but lethal looking gun hybrid.

"Where's the TARDIS?" Rose gasped for air, holding onto the Doctor's hand tighter as he dragged her left and right, navigating the grey, rusty masses of metal.

"This way! No, wait, _this_ way!" the Doctor exclaimed, first veering right then turning left awkwardly as they reached a crossroad. "Where's my Lefty-Righty North South Protracternomerator when you need it?" he mumbled reaching into his pockets.

"Doctor, left or right?!" Rose exclaimed, looking nervously over her shoulder. The Doctor continued to fumble in his pocket, his tongue poking slightly out of his mouth in concentration. "Some time before we get shot would be preferable!!"

"Just a second . . . AHA!!" the Doctor exclaimed, pulling out . . . a book. "CGP guide to GCSE Physics?! _Not_ what I wanted. You can go back in there and live with my miniature Mr George, there we go. Maybe he'll actually find something useful to teach his pupils," he said throwing the book back into his TARDIS like pockets.

"DOCTOR!"

"Hang on! Just give me a second, let me think!" the Doctor said, closing his eyes and breathing slowly. Rose raised an eyebrow.

"Doctor—"

"Ssh!" he said, holding up a finger to quieten his friend. Rose frowned. "We go . . ." he muttered under his breath. "We go, we go, we go . . . nous avons alle . . . RIGHT!!" he exclaimed, clutching Rose's hand and dragging her right, just as an oddly shaped bullet of some kind whizzed over their heads. "Right, right, left! Left, right, LEFT! Ohh, hello girl!" the Doctor exclaimed as he and Rose ran blindly around corners of more crossroads to come face to face with a familiar blue box. "Get in!" he yelled, ushering in his friend as an enormous roar echoed through the warehouse. The Doctor paused at the threshold of the TARDIS, looking at the source of the great bellow. "Oh . . . you _beauty!_" he exclaimed, being cut short from his admiring as Rose grabbed him by the lapels and pulling him inside the TARDIS, slamming the door shut.

The two friends leant against the blue wood, puffing and gasping for air in exhaustion. They looked at each other knowingly and matching grins spread across both of their faces instantly. "Ha! That was brilliant!" the Doctor grinned, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he wandered over to the TARDIS console.

"Brilliant?! We just got chased by a good two dozen guards and you call that brilliant?" Rose exclaimed in astonishment. The Doctor looked at her curiously, wondering what had happened to the adventure loving spark in his companion. "I would at least call it magnificent at the very least," she smiled. The Doctor chuckled and threw off his coat, hanging it on one of the pillars of the TARDIS.

"So," he said, flicking a switch randomly, hoping it wouldn't cause the machine to spontaneously combust. A coffee holder popped out of the side of the console instead. "You up for it?" he asked, a sparkle in his eye.

"Up for what?" Rose said cautiously.

"Bettering this lot of course!" he said, bending down and pulling out numerous Tupperware items from cupboards that Rose didn't even know existed.

"You've lost me." Rose sat down on the air cushioned seat, watching the lanky Time Lord throw the contents of a cupboard all over the floor.

"Make the largest turnip pie in the galaxy! The TARDIS has all the necessary equipment, including—" the Doctor clicked his fingers and a panel in the ceiling opened, letting hundreds of turnips rain down on the floor. "—a never ending supply of turnips," he grinned.

"This is madness," Rose laughed as the Doctor scooped up an armful of Turnips, dropping them through a panel in the floor. "What's down there?" she asked curiously.

"A giant food processer! But not any old food processor; this makes the pastry, the filling and the side dishes all at the same time. So we should be done in about . . . twenty minutes, say. Then, we can go back outside, give this to the Holmesian Sherls of Bakstree as an apology for a certain blonde's lack of local custom knowledge." The Doctor said meaningfully.

"I touched the pie for a _second_! There was a tiny, _tiny_ chip in the ruddy great thing's pastry! Does that really qualify for a firing squad to be sent after us?" Rose asked incredulously.

"Well imagine what they would think if they came to Earth! They'd probably wonder if it was really necessary to wash more than twice a decade. You've got to mind your manners on foreign planets Rose," he said, pouring a giant bag of flour into the gap in the floor. "Now then," he said, pulling out a big red button from a cupboard. "Would you care to do the honours?" he asked, gesturing to the button.

"I get to push the button?" Rose asked, staring at the inviting mound of plastic.

"Well, if you don't want to . . ." the Doctor said, moving the button away from Rose slightly.

"No! No, I want to, I _definitely_ want to!" she said enthusiastically, taking the button from the Doctor's hands. "Can I just ask one thing first?"

"Certainly," the Doctor said, taking a Lucozade Energy shot from one of the cupboards, downing it in one. He grimaced. "Oh. Oh that's disgusting. Energy inducing, but disgusting." Rose raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

Rose sighed. "How did you manage to get us back here without your Lefty-Righty . . ."

". . . North South Protracternomerator."

"Yeah. How?"

"Weell, it's very simple really. I just used my photographic memory in conjunction with the angle of the overhead lights and parallel fissures of cementation fossilisation on the floor to navigate us back safely," he said nonchalantly, puffing his chest out slightly.

" . . . So, you guessed?"

"Yeah, I guessed."

"But how did you manage to take us the right way every time?"

"Oh . . . I'm very good," the Doctor said, grinning at his bemused blonde friend.

"So modest," Rose said, shaking her head laughing. " Anyway . . . Allons-y!" she cried out, bringing her hand down on the button.

"Oi, that's my line—!" the Doctor was cut off by a colossal rumble and satisfactory splatting sound as the food processor regurgitated its contents . . . all onto the upper decks of the TARDIS. The two time travellers were sent flying backwards, hitting the walls of the TARDIS awkwardly and crumpling onto the floor as greenish purple goo flew everywhere. The rumbling and shaking finally desisted and the only sound to be heard was the disgusting squelching sound of the turnip mash. Rose gingerly wiped her face clear of the goo.

"Well . . . that _really_ worked."

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**Ignore the GCSE Physics connotation, it's for The Plot Thinnens =) Although if you've ever had a really bad Physics teacher, I'm sure you can relate.**

**The Plot Thinnens . . . that French was wrong, wasn't it?? Ah, frick . . . French Oral next week. Anyone feeling like wishing me luck is welcome to – I **_**really**_** need it!!**


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